Music will be the thing that saves me.
It's already starting to.

"Not all those who wander are lost..."

Then why do I feel so lost?

I don't think I'll ever be who I once was.

Is that just life and growing up?

I just never really thought it would be this hard.

I don't really know where I belong.

I'm hopeful and open.

I'm willing.

I'm ready.

I'm here.

Somewhat alone and maybe even a bit lost.

Just waiting to be found.

Change...

I learned that sometimes things just happen that change everything. One little action or event can change how one feels about everything, about their life. When this happens, coping isn't always easy.
Suddenly, the places you're in seem unwelcoming and cold.
The faces that surround you become people that only make you feel more alone.
The world that you live in, is not as it should feel or even be.
Everything affects everything. Nothing is ever okay when everything else is totally wrong.
It's just how it is.
It's how we work... and sometimes it's all we can say.
It's the only excuse we can use. It's inevitable.
To heal. To cope. To get through. How?

Change.
I need change.
I need new faces and new places. I need a new world and a new life.
I need to be surrounded with new.
I need change.

I used to fear change...

Now, I welcome it.

Falling In... Falling Out...

Falling In:
It's said to be the most effortless, the most lovely, the most beautiful, and the most heavenly thing.
To love. To fall in love. To feel completed. To feel at home. To feel wanted and needed and crazy in love.
It must be really something.

Falling Out:
It's said to be the easiest, the darkest, the loneliest, the most heartbreaking, and the most poisonous thing.
To not love. To fall out of love. To feel incomplete. To feel completely alone. To feel unwanted and unneeded and thrown away.
It must be really something.

If two people can come to fall in love, how can they fall out? You can't fall one way and then fall another. It defies the laws of nature. Is love just something that isn't even listed in the laws of nature? Is it something that just is? With no theories? Is it too complex or complicated to even begin to explain or figure out?
Or is the complete opposite? So easy and effortless that it needs no explanation?

You see... I have many questions. Questions left unanswered.

Why fall in love, start a life, why love, and live, why be?
Why, if it all ends? Why, if it all just fades away?
Is it that it never existed in the first place?
Is it that it's all just as pointless as all of my questions?

After reading all of this you'd probably think that I'm one of those girls who is cynical and bitter. One who thinks that love doesn't exist.
It's funny, because I bet you haven't met a single person who believes in love more that I do.
I love love. I believe in it more than I believe in anything.

I've found that I don't not believe in love... but that I simply know nothing of it.

I know nothing of love.

My Prologue...

I will be seventeen in two months and you'd think that after almost seventeen years in this world, I'd have something to account for.
I don't.
My life to me has just been warming up. It hasn't even begun. I think that I will truly know when it starts. It'll be the kind of thing that hits me at a hundred miles per hour. The skies will dramatically clear. The world will open up to me. I will feel free. I will feel importance and reason within me. I will finally begin.
This is all just a prologue to me. Just a little before knowledge. A little piece of life that isn't even near a beginning or middle or especially an ending.

I have so many plans and dreams and hopes. They aren't just mindless nonsense. They couldn't be.
There has to be more to life.
There has to be perfect endings and happily ever afters.
They can't be just written and made up for the world to envy.
That wouldn't be right.
I know that a perfect story or life can't nor should be handed to you on a silver platter... but it still should not be unattainable.
It should be reachable. It should be deserved.
What other reason is there for life?

Some people will go there whole life feeling incomplete.
How are those people chosen? Is it there own doing? Is it a greater power?
I used to be so completely adamant on the point of ones outlook on life and in life. I used to say that you can only be as happy as you let yourself be.
I must say... I've seen and learned a lot since those naive days, and it's definitely harder than it sounds.
But, isn't everything?

Life definitely has a way of sometimes tossing you around. Even if I feel like my story hasn't even started, this has been one hell of a prologue.

But... I realize deep inside myself that time is going to fly right by. And I really hope that years from now when my mind is a little wiser, and when my skin is a little older, and when my heart is a little stronger, I hope I can look back and be okay with who I was then... and who I became.

Ode to Divorce...

The One Thing...

The one thing I long for in life,

is an incandescent ending...