To me, the greatest pleasure of writing is not what it's about, but the inner music the words make... ~Truman Capote

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

P.S.

I realize something now.
Something I should have realized and known long ago.

You don't need a change in people, or a change in scenary, or even a change in love to be happy...

You need a change in yourself.

I believe this may be a little easier said than done... but, I assure you...
It is the one and only antidote.
One of those nights where all I want to do is listen to beautiful music and
float away...

This happiness thing going on?
Yeah... I could get used to it.

I wish everyone beautiful and infinite happiness...
and sweet dreams.



Tuesday, August 30, 2011

No Thank You...

I try to be the best I can be. I try not to step on toes. I try to be kind and courteous. All I really aim for is to love and be loved in return. For the most part... it's a work in progress, but a work that I really care about that progresses every single day.

I've really come to the point in my life where the drama and the tension from others, or from certain situations that tends to creep up on me every so often... is just not something I want or need in my life.
I'm done trying to fix things that are really nothing but toxic messes. I'm done trying to prove to you or to anyone else that I am a good person. I'm done always hearing that you have a problem with me.
I've come to find and accept that I can't please everyone. Especially you.

I believe in a lot of things. And do you know what?
I believe in myself.
I do not think that's a bad thing. At all.
I just want to have fun! I want to be HAPPY!
I am on the pursuit of infinite and whole happiness. Kind of like those people who travel the world just to find themselves. Or those people who meditate to find inner peace.
...so maybe sitting cross legged for hours on end, with my eyes closed, and moaning isn't really my style.
It still doesn't mean that I can't still aim for that inner bliss.

I will be with whoever makes me happy. Is that such a crime?
If I get something, it's because I wanted it and I worked hard to get it.
Is that not right?
I will not waste my heart on things that are just waiting to hurt me.

No way... I'm happy where I am thank you very much.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

The Parakeet and the Gopher Snake...

Once upon a time there was a parakeet, and a gopher snake. Both two very different creatures. Both made up of different ingredients and traits composed by the man who lived above the clouds.

The parakeet was a lively thing. With radiance and colors that shown through like jewels. The parakeet was loving and gentle. It's heart was as big as the sky. It's voice like melted gold all brewed together with perfect tranquility that flooded from the inside to the outside.

The gopher snake was a quiet kind. With strength and wisdom that could crumble walls of steel to the ground. The gopher snake was good and giving to others. It was very humble and very dedicated like a dart aiming only for the bulls eye. It's life was disciplined and morally devout. It lived, and lived for the good.

These two very different creatures met under unusual circumstances, and despite the very differences they both possessed, they obtained a liking, a fancy... a love. Nobody really knows for sure why. Maybe it was the radiant and beautiful colors of the parakeet that took the breath from the lungs or the sight from the eyes of the gopher snake. Or, maybe the strength like a hundred armed soldiers marching to battle with no fear in their eyes that vividly entranced that radiant parakeet.

Does one ever really know?
The only thing that truly knows is the heart. The heart of those who fall victim to the attraction itself. ...the heart knows all. It rarely speaks the honest truth.

The parakeet and the gopher snake were together for a very long time... until the storm hit.
When the storm reached their home, it came and took every single thing they possessed for each other.
It took the parakeet's lovingness.
It took the gopher snake's goodness.
It took their want.
It took their love.

After the storm, the pieces left behind were just too intricate and minuscule to just pick up and piece back together.
So the gopher snake would remain silent and cold,
and the parakeet would cry...

The days were scorching. They would burn everything in their paths.
The fire was getting closer, and the small pieces left behind by the storm were still on the ground.
The parakeet would try to pick them up, but the weight in those little pieces were too heavy to carry.
The parakeet lacked the strength.
The gopher snake who possessed that very strength would consider, but then it's eyes would look up at the cloudless sky of gray and remind itself of the goodness lost.
The gopher snake lacked the dedication.
So the gopher snake would remain quiet and cold,
and the parakeet would cry...

The days grew longer, and the burning grew nearer.
They both knew it.
So the parakeet gave up on the pieces and they remained lonely on the ground.
...and the gopher snake remained quiet and cold

One silent and darkened day, the gopher snake and the parakeet were in separate places of the mind and of the heart.
They smelled the burning. They saw the burning. They witnessed the burning.
They watched their goodness and their lovingness shattered on the floor. The same goodness and lovingness that had remained there for centuries it seemed. The same goodness and lovingness they both lost. The same goodness and lovingness that the parakeet didn't have the strenght to pick up, nor did the gopher snake have the dedication to keep in it's hands tenderly.

They both watched themselves burn.
They burned and they burned.

The parakeet's radiance and color turned to gray.
The gopher snake's wisdom and strength turned to liquid.

So the gopher snake remained cold and silent,
and the parakeet cried.
and they both dissapeared like dust.

Silence and stillness surrounded the world that once moved so fluidly, so vibrantly...

The man who lived above the clouds looked down upon the existence of his creation, and he was sad. He cried for 40 days and 40 nights. The tears rained down upon the stillness, the silence, and the scorching. It rained and it rained and it drowned the burning.

After the skies were clear and the world was dry, the man who lived above the clouds woke up from his sleep and started to compose. He decided to create a parakeet, and a gopher snake.
He composed his creations as if he were composing a symphony...
Wisdom like a cello, tranquility like a harp...

As he composed... He remembered the days of silence. He remembered the days of stillness. He remembered the days of burning, and he remembered the days of raining...
He remembered this, and as we was adding the ingredients for his creations, he added an extra amount, an infinite amount of goodness and lovingness...

...and once upon a time, there lived two very different creatures. A parakeet and a gopher snake.




Thursday, August 25, 2011

Junior Year Here We Go...

So it's been almost a week since we have been back at school.
A week that has been pretty swell so far if I do say so myself.

We all have expectations before we go back to school...
Who am I going to meet?
Will I get good grades?
Will I get any good parts or solos?
Will I fall in love?
Will I fit in?

These are the constant question we (I) ask myself when starting a brand spanking new school year...

I usually have expectations, and I dream up the many options or scenarios that could possibly go down.
If there is one thing I've learned in my twelve years in this BIZ (not including pre-school), it's that a lot of these expectations I dream up are just too good to be true sometimes.
They will probably go very differently if not the opposite of what I expect or hope.
What does that lead to? Yes, that's right... the D word.
Expectations often lead to disappointments.
Not always, but with the stuff that goes on in my brain, and the many things I can dream up, yes... the D word comes into play every so often.

So what did I do this time?
I went to school with absolutely, positively, ZERO expectations.
I just walked in with my eyes open, my mind clear, and my nails painted three different colors.
...and you know what!?
So far... it's been a sensational week!

I love Jazz. I love Concert Choir. I love Woman's Choir.
I love Theatre 3. I love going off campus with my friends for lunch.
I love being an upperclassmen. I love being looked up to.
I love meeting new people and trying new things.
I love being the class clown. (it's so true)
I love that things are the way they are.
I am content, satisfied, and grateful for the way they are because, I wasn't expecting more or less or any different. I wasn't expecting anything at all!

So... so far, life at school has been great.
I usually find myself at the end of the day not wanting to leave...
That's gotta say something.

I just really hope that the best is yet to come.


Look... there I go with them expectations and hopes again.
I suppose I just never learn.
Oh well!
Junior Year Here We Go...!

Tick Tock...

I don't really understand it.
Not at all.

I shouldn't have to and yet it's all I hear, it's all I see, and it's really all I know right now.
I wish it wasn't.
I really do.

They say things happen and change and heal with time.
I'm here. I'm waiting. Time is passing.
Still going through the same motions day after day.
Please time... please.
This needs change. This needs healing.
Still waiting.

When sadness or pain fades away, does it ever just leave? Must it always be replaced? Must it never end? Even if this replacement is not something I personally go through myself, but something I see with my own two eyes right in front of me.
Like a head on car crash.
Like broken glass shattered on the floor.
Like destruction at it's "finest".

Well, destruction's "finest hour" is said to only lasts sixty minutes...
and yet... time is still ticking.
This sixty minutes is far past due.

Tick Tock.

P.S.
Still waiting.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Be Seeing You...

I believe that these three things are what it's really all about...
1. Acceptance
2. Friendship
3. Love

You would think that I'd be really very sad that a lot of these wonderful friends of mine are moving away, going to college, and leaving... but I'm not. I'm not at all.
I'm excited for them. Sure, I'm sad that I won't receive long Steven hugs everyday. I won't get to be crude and clever with Ray, or hold onto Julie, or make Cristian laugh... and laugh again.
I am very sad, but only because I love them all so very much.
I hope they know how much they mean to me.
I'm not saying goodbye... more like a "be seeing you".

So with that said and done...
I love you all. Be safe, have fun, and last but certainly not least...
be seeing you. :)

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Filled to the Top...

Do you ever think ahead to the future?
Five years from now, ten years from now?

I do. All the time.

Where will I be? Who will I be? Who will I be with? What will I be doing?
The future is an unknown and uncharted place.

Wherever I am... I really hope I'm happy.
I hope this place... so unknown now, is a place I'll never want to leave.
I hope it's filled with love and joy.
I hope it's filled with music.
I hope it's filled with happiness.

Filled... to the top.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

So...

I thought I'd share with you something that changed my life...



Three years ago my mom and I found this video on youtube.
It changed my life.
This is the exact reason why music is who I was, who I am, and who I will be.
I have not gone a month without watching this video in three years.
Every month. Every time. I cry.
This is why music is every inch of me.
This is why I breathe.
This is why I live.
This is why.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

We Just Know...

Ever had words written for you that make you do nothing but cry?
Especially from someone who once meant the world to you.
Especially someone you feared you might have lost forever.

We all do things. We all go places. We all meet new people. We all grow apart. We all live our own lives with our own deals and with our own cares. We all go through different things.

However...

In the end, we know who and what makes us happy. We know where we want to be. We know that despite disagreements and pointless nonsense that tends to get in the way of not only friendships or relationships, but life itself, we know that it can only matter to us for so long. 

We may not know these things for a long time.
But eventually...
we grow up,
we look at things differently,
and we just know.
Thank you for your words...
You'll never know how much they meant to me.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011


Aim for happiness. It's what makes life all the worthwhile.
Because... the rough patches don't last forever.
I promise.


Life is beautiful.
It's only just begun.




Somethings Gotta Give...

It's an awful shame when someone you know becomes someone you once knew...
Especially someone who for a long time meant so much to you.
If they meant so much, then why is it the way it is now?
Pride. Rumors. Hurt Feelings. Disagreements.
Changes of Heart. More Pride. 

Just to name a few.

Is it always only going to be me who cares? Do I just care too much?
Am I always going to be the one who has to make the effort? The only effort.
Am I that easily forgettable or replaceable?
I don't like to think so, but somethings gotta give.


I'll always be the one to make everything okay. I'll always be the one who makes everything actually exist.
I'm okay with that. I'm the kind of person who can put her pride down and apologize for her faults, even if I don't receive an apology in return.
I will put my pride down. I will be the bigger person.

I do realize that maybe I should look at these situations differently. Maybe the reason I am the only one who cares enough to fix it is because I am the only one who cares at all...
I realize that this may very well be true.
I just pray it isn't. I really do.
It would kill me if it were.

I may care too much... but do you know what? I rather be the one who cares to much, than the one who doesn't care at all.

I'll always care. 
I'm proud of that.




Saturday, August 6, 2011

One Day...

One day he'll know how much he inspired me.
One day he'll see all he meant to me.
One day he'll know.
One day he'll see.

One day.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Cast me gently into morning
For the night has been unkind...
Please.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Blackbird singing in the dead of night.
Take these broken wings and learn to fly...