Closure...

Things happen. People change. Feelings linger. Feelings fade. Things don’t work out. Time tears apart. Opinions crossfire. The lights cease. The fallout leads.

Ruins end up being beloved by all… Let’s be that. Ruins. Nothing but the good ones. The ones we should remember and love. It’s bittersweet. Ending, but sometimes it’s just that.

 

Personality Types...

Right now, I'm listening to Norah Jones... I've spent the past 15 minutes researching something that someone brought to my attention...
Are there really definitions for someone? Are there really "to-the-tee" descriptions on people's personalities?

Well, according to Wikepedia, There are two types of personalities: Type A, and Type B.
Type A is described as: "ambitious, aggressive, business-like, highly competitive, controlling, impatient, preoccupied..."

Type B is described as: "generally patient, relaxed, easy-going, and at times lacking an overriding sense of urgency..."

You were right... If anything, I'm B.
I wish I was more like A though.
Is one bad? Is one good? Are you meant to be with the opposite type? Would you compliment each other, or drive each other mad? How interesting that people contrast so much... Or don't.
...
I'm trying to stay positive through the rest of this week. (haha...Type B).
It will pass.
Thank you to those in my life who play such a positive and loving part... I'm truly blessed and grateful for you. I cannot express it in words. 
Sometimes you don't realize how much you need someones comfort and love until they are there for you delivering it...
I know one thing's for sure... No matter what, I've got it good... Every bit of it.

The Rain Doesn't Last Forever...

I can't let the complications get the best of me...

Life is too good to get caught up. Even if the girl who usually has the handle on things is the complicated mess right now. It just comes to show that I'm only human. It's not going to be the last time. I think it's okay to feel vulnerable and overwhelmed at times. The real test is how I recover. I'm strong. I'm positive. I'm human. I'm me.

The rain doesn't last forever. I must wait it out. I must coax the storm. I must recover. I will recover.

The losses I may have to go through, are nothing compared to the strength and understanding that will be mine to claim.

I'm growing up. I'm not a child anymore. I lost my childhood long ago.

Let's take it slowly now, shall we? 

No more chasing, no more complicated nonsense, no more pressure, no more weakness.
Right now... I start a new.

I Really Am...

Life is good. Sure, it's not perfect, but it is still so good to me.
I'm blessed with so much love in my life. So many opportunities. So many amazing people that I'm privileged to call my friends. I look for the little things you could say... They make the biggest difference.

I am far from perfect... I've got my problems, my issues, my flaws, my faults... I'm trying to be the best I can be. I really am.

So much has changed in a matter of a semester. I've changed a lot. I've grown up a lot. I've had the pleasure of getting to know so many people. The best people in the world. People that I really love.
I'm always a friend. I'll always love. I'll always be here.

What to expect? Not sure. What will come of this? I have no idea. The funny thing, is that I don't care. The rest of this school year will be great with you.

Here we go...

No Fooling Myself...

Demons surround me. Confusion surrounds me. Faults and flaws surround me.

I'm sorry for my faults. I'm sorry for my demons. I'm not perfect. Far from it. I need to stop trying to be.

It sticks like gum on the bottom of my shoe. I can't just buy a new pair of shoes every time. I need to clean it off and keep walking. This is exactly what I try to do. I let it break me, and push me around for a little while. Then I brush myself off, vow to make a change (or two), show a smile, and keep walking.
The sad thing is, when I brush myself off, I brush it onto others, taking it out on them. When I vow to make a change, or at least try to, I never follow through. I hate this. I try, I crave. I want to make these changes stick. But they always end up un-sticking... failing.

The sad thing is that I am writing this when I should be focusing on those same old changes I've just ranted about...

Heard it all before Meghan... No fooling myself.

I suppose the good thing is that I see my flaws, and my demons, and my fears... Some can't even face them. Some don't even see them. I want to face them. I need the strength. I need the faith. I used to think I wasn't afraid of anything. Except this.

This Is Now...

I’m not going to regret something that once made me smile… Why should I? While it lasted, it was great. I’m not going to spend anymore time upset or in remorse. Everything happens for a reason… Some things are just not meant to be. I’ve accepted that.

Time to forgive and forget, move on, and take what I’ve learned from this and use it for the future. I like to think that my future looks bright. I’m ready for it.

So thank you… It’s been lovely.

Love always,
Meghan<3

One and Only by Adele

I hope it brings you what it brought me...
Funny how music can do that, right? It's always there. It's everywhere.

Right Here, Right Now...

Right here, right now... I am currently drowning in female monologues, torn up lyric pages, and plain old time. Nope... no  prom for this one. A beautiful dress resides in my closet, hanging in the dark.
It's alright... There is always next year.:)
I've been listening to one song all day long. "One and Only" by Adele. Such a great song.

I went to the Promenade and witnessed the long red carpet of attention, or shame. Depending on who you ask. All of my friends looked so beautiful, male and female. My brother looked so handsome with his girlfriend Mackenzie. I was so happy for them. Not regretful, not sour, not full of remorse, happy. I'm actually at the age where the whole "right of passage" spiel kicks in. I think Prom is definitely apart of that. We are actually growing up. Life is catching up with us all. I know I'm only a sophomore with two more years in this place, but it hit me that a lot of the people who have shaped my high school experience, are leaving. Starting their lives for real. Making their own way. Giving what they can to this world. Growing up. It's bittersweet, it's great. I'm so proud of them. I'm so proud of my brother. I know that every single one of them have so much to offer to this world. They are all forces to be reckoned with. But beautiful forces they are.

A busy and exciting week ahead of me. Fingers crossed...

Unsaid. Unwritten. Unpublished.

So many words left unsaid. Not in my soul or heart, but written for the world to see. The truth is left unsaid. Not always, but occasionally. Sounds mental I know, but it’s deeper than that…

I tend to write about the importance of honesty and love and hope… When in actual reality, what I really feel… the beauty of the almost nonsense that goes through my head, the meaning of who I am and what I truly feel inside, is not just something I can share with the world around me…
Disguised? Maybe. Camouflaged? Perhaps. Left unsaid? Usually.

Only to be set and left on repeat in this heart of mine. This heart that is filled to the brim… This heart that will never stop loving. This heart that creates the many feelings and emotions that create the very words that must simply remain inside... Unsaid. Unwritten. Unpublished. For now atleast…

A lovely day today... Tomorrow may change everything. I'm so ready I can almost taste it. Here's to the future everyone. Sleep is the only thing on my mind right now... So with that, dream sweetly everyone.

What I Know Now...

What I may not have ever thought about, may be the one thing I truly have that’s worth anything. The things that God has planned for us just land in our laps like feathers falling from the deepened sky above us. They land when we least expect it.
This feather of mine is special. It’s worth it. It’s right.
Let's hope atleast.

Wired...

It has been a few days since my last entry... Rather odd since just last week I was writing more than I thought I ever could. Those entrees from before are different though. They came from deep inside... So I'll give it a shot tonight.

So it's late as usual. The only time I actually can write. Not sure why... Just how I must be wired I suppose.

This past week has been indescribable in so many ways. In a nutshell... I learned A lot.
I came to terms with a lot of the aspects in my life... I took wrong turns. I laughed. I cried. I took right turns. I let people in. I let people go. I smiled. I listened. I spent time with the person who means the most to me, my mom. I sang. I ate. I breathed. I lived.

I really learned that things are not as they seem. That the one thing you may be expecting, might turn out to be the one thing you do not gain. What you do gain, may appear to be the polar opposite, but it may be even better than your first want and/or expectation. Hard to explain. Hard to understand.
No matter what it is though, I'll always hold places in my heart for anything or anyone I do or do not gain... Like I said. It's just how I'm wired.

On a simpler yet one of the most important notes...
I love the people in my life. I'm so lucky to know some of the most kind-hearted and gentle souls on this planet. They make me feel at peace and at home in this crazy world that we all go through...
The one thing I love the most is knowing that I can make them smile... That somehow I can return the favor. Return the feeling of love and acknowledgment and kindness. I live to make people smile.
It doesn't matter who they are. People I've known for only a short time, or others I've known for ages. It does not matter to me...

No matter the cost, I'd do anything for the people I love. It's something I can give. Even ones who I do not exactly or technically adore... I wish them well. I wish them love. What more can I say?

When it all comes down to it... When the blade is wiped clean or when the song is at it's close, I'm very happy. I'm very grateful. I have it good. I have absolutely nothing to complain about. It doesn't mean I don't have my own worries or issues or insecurities or flaws, it just means that I know that whatever it is, will only become as better as I make it... I plan to make it worthwhile. I'm on my way.:)

Sleepless, but not in Seattle...

I cannot sleep.

I tried counting sheep. Changing pillows. Fan on. Fan off. Switching sides of the bed. Lights on. Lights off. Tried socks on, then socks off. Tried singing (not sure why). Tried praying...

Just one of those nights I suppose... So what do I do? I switch on the lamp, turn on my music, and write.
I suppose I can recollect on the day...

I woke up this morning very happy. Probably because I realized that everything does happen for a reason. That sometimes I need to stop always having a handle on things. That this world I live in is going to continue to do it's own thing. That life will always be offering me unexpected gifts that I need to gratefully accept.

I went through the day organizing and compartmentalizing all of my thoughts and priorities. It felt good.
I listened to some good music. Read for a while. Wrote for an even longer while. Missed the people who I hope are having a beautiful time whilst in Seattle. Ordered pizza and watched a movie with my favorite person otherwise known as my mommy. Talked to a special person for a little while, then went to bed. Or tried at least... Just to let you know, counting sheep... doesn't work to well.

I also learned and came to the definitive decision that crypticism is not such a good thing.
It confuses, and pulls the hairs out of one's own head. Addictive until one realizes they must wash themselves from the mess it creates in their mind, heart, and soul. It can start off setting someone up for disappointment and/or even heartbreak without them even knowing. The outcome is often shielded by the mystery and curiosity it displays and expresses.
But it's alright... It attracts many. It's harmless to many. It's a beautiful way to get a point across, just not quite my "cup of tea".

I had one of those amazing feelings today. The kind of feeling that I don't get often. The feeling of absolute happiness and rapture. Music can do that to me. I was just singing a song. A song that had been stuck in my head the whole day. I just thought to myself... "Wow... I love to sing. I can't imagine life without the love and passion I have for music. My voice is my best friend. Sort of corny, but it's the absolute truth..."
I am so blessed. I remind myself this everyday...

So that's pretty much it! A rather uneventful day in the life of little ole me. But, a beautiful day it was.
It's come and now it's gone...
A brand new day ahead of me tomorrow... or technically later this morning:)

But until then, I think I'll try this sleep thing again...

Why?

Why do people have to judge? Why do people create issues out of those judgments? For attention maybe? For their own personal benefits or satisfaction?

I try to be the best I can be. I'm only human. I don't bad mouth or back stab because I JUST DON'T. It's that plain and simple.

I kill with nothing but kindness. Sue me.

This is me in black and white:
I forgive and forget. I'll always give second chances if one deserves them. I don't take out my own anger, frustrations, or issues on others. I'll always be able to look ahead and not focus on the past. I don't hold grudges and I don't live my life judging.
I like to think I am a decent human being. I was raised well. I have parents who taught me that if I go through life unsatisified and ungrateful, I'll never be happy. A lesson well taught, and well learned.
Some others may not have been taught the same criteria.

I thank people for having their own opinions. I just wish they stayed opinions and didn't boil over into unjust judgments.
Although... it does give me something to write about. Inspiration comes from all depths I suppose. The shallow and the humbling, and even the deep and demeaning. Wherever it may be, I'll continue to fish it out and use it for my own benefits. It's all I have, and all I need.
Till then... Sleep.

It's Rather Funny...

It is rather funny... Unrequited love that is. Tragic, but funny. Tragically funny one would say I suppose?
We read about it. We hear about it. We see it on screens. We live it. The experience we get from watching it on a flat screen in the comfort of our own home is a lot different than going through it for real. It's heart wrenching actually...

I suppose if we did get everyone we loved, we wouldn't appreciate the idea of love. Not just the idea. We wouldn't appreciate the one person who actually loves us back. Or better yet, maybe there wouldn't even be a "true love" in this world... I believe in that sort of stuff. Now that would be tragic.

Would one just call it "not meant to be"? That's hardly fair... It may not be meant to be in one person's eyes, but in the other's it could mean everything.
I just look at it as... You want to be supported. I could support you. You want to be happy. I could make you happy. You want to be loved. I could would love you.

But it's okay... I have a big enough heart to love even when It may not be returned. I'm okay with that.

I promised myself I would never rant on and on about boys or stupid teenage garbage that unfortunately surrounds me at times like a sea of nonsense, but I'm only human. Plus, I think this matter is different. It's not nonsense. It's real. We all live it. Even me.

The Three of Us...

I am the baby girl in my family. A sister to two big brothers who are the toughest and most amazing human beings I know. They are truly the rocks in my life. They've made me who I am. I wouldn't be the strong and independent person I am without them. They are everything I've always wanted to be. They keep me sane. I love them so much.

Robbie is the eldest. He's brilliant. I envy his brilliance. He is the one who tells it like it is. He doesn't sugar coat anything. That's why his opinion means the most to me. He does everything he says he will. He doesn't have the demons of procrastination like someone else I know. He is such a good human being. He's sincere and kind hearted. He will never let anyone change his mind in an argument. Probably because his point of view is the most accurate of the two. He helps me through the hard times with words of wisdom and comfort. He truly is an unbelievable person. My life would be absolute teenage nonsense without him. He challenges me and never fails to make me laugh and smile... He is like no other.

How do I even begin describing Steven? Everyone loves Steven. He is never lacking in charm, wit, compliments, jokes... I could go on forever:) His talent leaves me in awe. His acting, his timing, his writing. He is so kind. So loving. So lovable. He's definitely the ladies man. The charmer. He's very intelligent. He's brilliant actually. In so many ways. Sometimes he uses it in the less important areas, but he's only human, but an amazing human he is. He lives his life making other people's lives better. He's supportive and almost as big of a dreamer as I am. He supports my dreams, and is always there to pick me up when I am down. He is a person who could wash away the rain from a bad day with a simple gesture or smile. He's incredible.

I felt this was an apropriate time to rant about those brothers of mine because I see people close to me everyday who don't have the stability I have. Those who are unsure or lonely. Lonely is something I surely am NOT. I'm so blessed and so thankful that God blessed me with these fellows:) I don't tell them enough... I think I shall start right now:)

No Matter What...

No matter what, I know that things are how they are for a reason. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. Our futures aren't set in stone, but carved by our own hands along the way. I feel that this is the year... The year to make memories. The year to start new things. The year to really live. 
I'm ready for it. No matter what.