My Safe Haven...

I did something I've never done this week...

I wrote and finished a song on guitar...
Mind you, I don't play guitar... I claim I can. I try. It usually ends up sounding like a car crash involving three cars, a plane, a motor boat, a chainsaw, and a chipmunk. So in other words, the guitar isn't my strongest suit nor my forte. What can I say? haha
It all started with my mom. She was my inspiration. Then I dug deep into how I was feeling inside. I took my mom and her inspiration, combined that with the feelings in my own self and made something that changed me. Thank you mommy.

This song is the best song I've ever written. I'm very proud of it. I had time this week to sit and write. That's all I did. I have this corner in my room where I lay down and spread paper, sheet music, my guitar, and my laptop all around me, and I just simmer with my thoughts, my feelings, and my pen alone. This corner is my safe haven. It's where I cry and smile and sing and just basically reside. There is no hiding nor faking anything here.
It's glorious.

Things like this are the reasons to be happy. I think I lost myself for a little while back there. This past month I've felt as if I was losing so many things, including myself. I felt as if everything was changing and crashing down. I realize now that things will never be the same. They will never stay in one place. The world is changing all around us. It's up to us to walk along with it and accept the changes. Accept them graciously.
I am so lucky and blessed no matter what. Rough patches lie behind me, but I know they lie ahead of me as well. Every time, they'll get easier. I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm stronger. I have the courage now to take them on.

Life is good, and it's only just begun...=)

Wildfires of the Mind...

Is growing up having to deal with goodbyes and loss? Is it dealing with letting go and moving on?
My mind is always at war with itself. A bloody war.
One cavalry is saying this I am right. That it will all work out. That I do and did the right thing.
The other side is teasing, belittling, and blaming me. Telling me that what I'm hoping for and doing is a waste. That I'm the one whose at fault.
They are constantly bickering back and forth, to and fro with each other.
Which one is right? Which one is wrong?
Is it possible to tame the wildfires in one's brain? One wouldn't want them to spark out of control...

Our brains have minds of their own. If that makes sense...
There are two parts to the brain: The id and the ego.
The id wants to do everything and anything. It doesn't care. It wants to be free to do whatever comes to mind. No second guesses. No worries.
The ego is what stops it. The ego is what over analyzes it. The ego is what shoots it down.
Id over ego.
Ego over id.
An endless war.

I plan to...

An Escape...

Are distractions or escapes good?
Do they really benefit you?
When one doesn't want to start feeling a certain way, should they distract themselves or find a way to escape their exhausted and pain filled feelings? Should they break free from their mind? From their logic?

Lately what I do is when I start to feel sad or lonely, I'll simply do things that distract my mind. I'll go write songs or watch a movie. I'll go hang out with my brothers or my friends. I'll go have fun and I'll do things that take my mind off of the complications of my heart and mind.
Feelings like these fade. They really do... but even though they are dim, they are still apparent inside. We feel them every so often. They aren't as corrupt as they used to be, but we are human. We all have our moments.

I do all of this because I don't want to wallow. I'm not a wallower... and furthermore, I have no reason to be.
There are so many beautiful reasons to be happy. I notice them everyday. They truly are beautiful. That's why I'll do anything to stay happy.
To stay me.

So is escaping the thing to do? Or is that just running away from yourself? Should you face what is in you first hand until the feelings that strike are worn dry? Should you let them grow dim on their own?
I'm torn with this one.
Escaping is the easier way out I suppose...
I don't usually do things the easy way.

As Deep Down As Mine...

My writers block is back...
Like a wall of steel concealing the words laced with feeling and the real meanings of the mind. Of my mind.
I have so much to say right now.
Every word or thought evaporates before I get the chance to drown a page with what I need to acknowledge.

So much has changed. So many things are different. I am okay with change. The differences on the other hand, will take some time to get used to.
I cannot lie and say that I don't miss it. I also cannot lie and say that I don't wish it was different.
But... that is life. That is exactly what life is. Life is simply full of things that are too intricate to understand their intent. Their meaning. I try to understand and accept everything for what it is and how it is. I really do.
I still care. I'll always care. I still wish deep down inside that the care is returned. Even if it's as deep down as mine.
I suppose I may never know.

I believe in so much. I believe in love. I believe in dreams. I believe in this. I also believe that things are as they are for a reason. Unknown now. Soon to be recognized and acknowledged and understood.
I'll understand. In time.

A Skip and a Jump

Today was the first day of the rest of my life.
I don't even know why? There was just something about today.
Must have been the way the sky looked, or the way my mind was a wander...
The seasons change just as moods and feelings change.
Feelings change easier and quicker than a spark of nothingness.
A piece of mindless minutia that once meant something.
At one time meant everything.

I suppose I was kept up inside because I was holding on to something that I didn't even have let alone maybe even want for myself anymore. If that twisted explanation even makes sense. It does to me.
It was a skip and a jump. A tumble and a fall. It was life doing its thing.

I couldn't understand where I was. I didn't even have an inkling. I couldn't even understand who I was.
To them. To myself. To anyone.
I finally understand now. It's like the fog was lifted and the light seeped it's way back into my sense of mind.
... I will not know who I am for a very long time. Sure I've found certain bits and pieces throughout so far, but there is still an infinite amount left for me to find and piece together.
Life is a puzzle. We find the pieces along the way.
The day when there are no more pieces left to fit in, is the day you have lived your life to its fullest potential. It's the day you can finally just sit back and admire the beauty and the fullness of this world. Of your world.

Our futures aren't set in stone, but carved by our own hands along the way.
My future is my future. It is what I make it. I have enough dreams and ambition and love and happiness to keep myself busy with that puzzle of mine for a long time...
Until my pieces are out of stock. Until my picture is complete.
So with all that said... Here's to the future everyone. I'm so ready for it.

Life is Music...

Her music is perfection to me. She inspires me so much.

My kind of music.

My Boys...

I grew up one of the boys. A very girly boy I might add.
I'm very comfortable with boys. I know how they think.
I've never met a boy who has intimidated me.
I have my brothers to thank for that.
I prefer boys. They're drama free. Well, most of them.
I love the boys in my life. They are like my brothers.
I'd do anything for them.
I'm looking forward to next year with these boys/brothers of mine.
It's going to be great:)

Looking Back...

So I just now realized that this was in fact the last year of high school for so many of my closest and most loved friends, but... I just sort of now looked back and recalled that this was the end to my Sophomore year as well. I never thought about it until now. What this year really meant to me. The many things it brought to me. I found a big part of myself this year.
. I did my first solo...
Natural Woman by Aretha Franklin (I love me some soul)
. I was in my first high school production. Mad World. 1.0 and 2.0. (Rose&Madeline to Georgia)
. I sang a duet at the Dessert Carol with one of my best friends Hailee.
We had planned it since the 7th grade.
. I got my first Concert Choir solo. One that I thought I would never get...
Cloudburst by: Eric Whitacre
. I sang a duet at the theatre assembly with a friend who played such a
  lovely part in my life this year. We rocked it.
. I received the Rising Star Award in choir.
. I traveled places with amazing people.
. I experienced love, and death, and birth.
. I laughed and I smiled. I hugged and I kissed. I sang and I sang and I sang.
I really lived this year.
I'm officially halfway done with being able to call myself a kid.
To be completely honest... I'm already ready to not call
myself that anymore.
I am not a child anymore.

This Summer isn't really what I expected it to be at all...
That isn't a bad thing. Just... a different thing.
Change. I can avoid it all I want, but it will happen with or without my approval.
Sure, I've always been scared of change. Terrified actually... Who isn't?
The thing is... I kind of want change.
A change in scenery. A change in life. A change in myself.
All I am saying is that I am ready. So come at me change...
I'm waiting for you.

Reality?

Maybe I take back what I've said in the past... Maybe I don't prefer reality.
Maybe I prefer the perfect places and situations that we all create ourselves.
The places that we illustrate and direct.
The very places our hearts are most content.
It's easier there. It's happier.
Is that so unrealistic?
I don't think so...
Actually, I'm not very certain at all.

Cliche...

I'll find myself... in time.
It won't happen overnight.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
Patience... not one of my strongest suits.
I must be patient.
I must have faith, and hope, and trust.
I have to believe.
Gotta love the cliches, right?
I think that this world would be unfamiliar and dull without cliches...
So, I'll continue to use them.

It'll happen...
I just know it.

Someday...

Life isn't easy. Life is beautiful and wonderful, but it isn't easy.
There are things I can't change.
Do you ever have that one thing that you feel is always in the way?
In the way of your self, in the way of your dreams, in the way of your life?
We all have it. It could be a number of things. We are all different and yet we are all the same. We share the same things inside. These are things to conquer. Easier said than done, I know. I must try. I mustn't give up. There are too many things on the line. I'm really trying. I'll get there. Someday.

Everything gets better. There are so many beautiful reasons to be happy. I can never forget that. Every morning... I must wake up and simply choose to be happy. As simple as that.
Sometimes it may seem hard. We all have our days.
We are all so different and yet so alike...
It gets better, whatever it is. I promise you. I promise myself.

I used to write so many beautiful things about you.
I flip back pages, and I go back to how I felt when I wrote them.
These words that came from my heart are words you'll never get to hear.
They were beautiful words... so beautiful it almost hurts.
I had to see the truth and the reality of it all.
I had to let go of something so inconceivable.
I did.
tis a true shame...


you never knew...
you never even took the time.

Sleepless Nights...

I can't sleep. I can never sleep. This Summer... sleep has been a foreign language to me lost in nothing but desired want.
I wish I could sleep. I wish I could let everything rest. It's okay, though. I finally end up sleeping in the wee small hours of the morning...
My older brother doesn't sleep either. He never has. I can remember when he still lived here. When he was in high school. He never slept...
Does this mean I'm going to be more like Robbie? I wouldn't mind the intellect. I also wouldn't mind the nice vocabulary or writing skills he possesses.

Well tonight, or this morning actually, I had long intellectual conversations with a friend whose in Austria right now. I wish I was there. I wish I was anywhere. I want to travel the world. I want to visit new places and get lost in the world around me. Some day.
I also listened to a broad range of music tonight. From Adele to Stevie Wonder to Next To Normal.
Not to mention the lovely relationship I have with Netflix.

I decided to actually write and publish tonight. I can't even tell you how many unpublished posts I have from sleepless nights. I always refrained from posting in order to avoid a flood of never ending "Meghan Rants" in every one's feed.
But just for tonight... Here you go.
Dream Sweetly everyone.

Those Who Stand For You...

We all at most times, know where we stand.
Where we stand in a relationship, with people, with life in general.
We also know where people stand with us.
I know where I stand with a lot of people.
I try to stand tall.
I have so many wonderful human beings in my life. I am so grateful and blessed. I must always put them first.
I will not put the people that just leave me disappointed and hurt first any longer.
What is the logic in that?

Of course we appreciate the people who care about us and love us and put us first, but it's only the human in us all not to really focus on them the most. Instead we focus on the people who don't. The people who we want.
It's poison that we drink ourselves.
It's wanting. It's giving and wanting in return. It's hoping.
No matter what you do for them, no matter how much you give and love, sometimes... they will never put you first. They will never want you back.
It's vicious and cruel. It's heartache. It's twisted. It's toxic.

The easy part is knowing where someone stands. The hardest is the knowing where you stand.
That's the risk we must take. That's the pain in a nutshell just waiting to burst. It's the unknown.
Know where you stand. Know where they stand.
Put those who stand for you first.

This Game Of Life...

I am no longer going to be afraid of putting myself out there. I am no longer going to fear pain and loss and change. Life is going to be full of these little words. These little words with such commodious meanings.
These are all the risks I must take. I must undergo the fear of pain and loss. I must gain the courage.
Even if I never risked anything at all, I would feel something much worse than pain or loss... I would feel regret and waste.
Change will come no matter what. Seasons change. People change. Things change. It's just how this game works. This game of Life.

If I am afraid of commitment or true friendship, I'll never have it.
If I am afraid of telling a person how I feel or what's really inside, I'll never have them.
Those who listen and really see, are the ones who care.
Those who don't... you'll know. Trust me, you'll know.

True friends will understand you. No matter what. They shouldn't even have to ask or doubt.
I would never give it a second glance if one of my friends did something they truly thought was best. Who am I to really know?
If someone I loved needed me, I would only hope they would return the favor.
A relationship (of any kind): is a relation. is a partnership. It's two people. It's two sided. It's face to face.
A harmony cannot survive without the melody... The rhythm cannot survive without time.
Friendship, Relationships, Music(haha)... It's all the same.

Those who notice your absence in their world will be the ones who should stay.
Those who notice nothing should be the ones you let go.
Harsh saying... "Letting go"
It is a very hard thing... but, sometimes it is the only thing.

So Much More...

Just another test.
I hope I pass it. I really do.
I'm on my knees.
Please.

In just a matter of months, I will be doing things I've dreamt of doing since I was 6 years old.
It's unreal. It's crazy. It's remarkable. I can't believe it.
I cry just thinking about it. It's really happening. Everything I've ever wanted. Everything I've worked for.
The rough patches can't and won't get me down. I have so much to learn. So much to still do. So much to conquer. There is so much more to life than this.

I've realized that we only live once.
The life I do live will be new everyday. I will make it beautiful. I will make it worthwhile. I will not waste it on pointless things that only steal my attention and hurt me.
I will be grateful everyday. I will laugh, and smile, and be kind and courteous. I will give, and help, and love...

The point of life is to live it. I'm going to do just that.
It's up to me. It's all on me.
No pressure.
None at all.
I can handle anything.
Bring it on.:)

Clicking Refresh...

I am stronger because I've known weakness.
I am wiser because I've known recklessness.
I am happier because I've known sadness.
Life is a process.
It knows what it's doing.
I must simply just play along.
I must try my hardest.
I must hope for the best.

Making some changes.
Starting with...

My mom and I love this version.
We sing till we cry.

A Lot Differently Now...

Maybe I care too much. Is that even possible? I'm still trying to figure it out.
It's not fair when you put someone first who will never put you first. It's not fair that you want to be there for someone and they don't even acknowledge that. I have so many people in my life that I would do anything for. I'm the kind of person that if people show kindness and care towards me, it will surely and most definitely be returned and reciprocated. I know how it feels to not be thought of or cared for. I would never want to inflict that pain on anyone.
Sometimes you just need someone to hear you when you speak. Someone to see past the fake smiles and the facade of positivity that resides only by default. I can't have expectations.
If they care, they will. If they don't, they won't.
It's okay though... I know that everyone has their own deals. Their own cares. I truly do understand. This isn't me throwing down ultimatums or pointing fingers or blaming anyone. A person can only give as much as they can give.
Expectations only lead to disappointment.
This doesn't change the amount of concern and the amount of love I have for the people around me. I will always be here for anyone who needs me. I'll be here for you. I'm just done expecting all of that in return.
I'm not mad or sad or disappointed... I just see things differently now. A lot differently.

Perfect Example...

Today is the first time I am to perform an original song in public.
I hold this sheet music in my hands and my heart is clenching.
This very paper says Written By: Meghan Montenegro.
It's crazy. It's wonderful. I cannot wait.

I cannot waste sadness on things I did not get... I'm not going ot get a lot of things in my life. I must always remember how lucky I am to have the things I do have. Look at this. Perfect example. A song I wrote in a journal with a pen and a heart full of feelings is now a song I get to share with people around me.
I am ready to share it.
I am truly blessed with so much... I can never forget that.
Now... let's do this.

It's Okay...

A lot of tears today.
A lot of disappointment looming in my mind.
A lot of pain in my heart.
I try to stay positive.
I suffer in silence.

My whole world is music. My whole life is performing. It's all I know. It's all I can do. It's the only thing I can do right. The only thing.
I work so hard at it. Endless hours. The joy and passion and love I have for it is infinite. It is never ending. I worked very hard for this.


I suppose I must thank God for unanswered prayers.
A lot of unanswered prayers...
It is what is it. Everything happens for a reason. I know that life will be filled with rejection. I must stay positive. I won't let it get me down. I cried it out and now I'm moving right along. I call it the "Meghan Method". It works for me.

If I had to lose... atleast it was to the best.
...

Tomorrow is to be a wondrous day no matter what is on my mind. It is the first time I will perform an original song in public.
I wrote this certain song about a person I cared for immensely at one point in my life. He was something very special indeed. He may have never felt the same... but he inspired magic. Thank you.
I learn everyday that music can heal any wounds that one may have.
An antidote of beauty and grace.
Lending a hand of pure understanding and rapture to the wounded...

I can't win them all... It's alright.