A Home...

If I have learned one true and real thing in these past six or seven months, it's that a house... is not a home.
A house can't fill the void in your soul. A house cannot make you feel secure. A house cannot comfort you.
A house is just an object.
It's the love and the togetherness and the happiness that make a house a home.
A home can't survive without these things.
It swiftly fades and tears apart.
It grays and ages.
It fills with dust.
With shades that never open.
And a piano that's never played.
A couch that's never filled.
A table that's never eaten at.
With closed doors.
And loud escapes.
With seperate domains and kindoms of our own.
With divided lives.
Divided hearts.
The craving and want.
The hopeless plans.
Cut off.
Seperate.
Quiet.
The footsteps that feel worlds apart.
Avoidance.
Silence.

A house is not a home. Trust me... I would know.

I've been at war with myself for so long...
I think it's about time I won.

I love... love.

-me

Probably the most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed in my life...

There were nothing but tears...
Streaming down my face.

No words.

Dream Interpretations...

So about a week or so ago while in Cuesta, for dinner we all ventured to the farmer's market. Now if you haven't been to a farmer's market, get in your car right now and don't stop until you locate one. Let's just say it's the place to be.
There are numerous vendors selling the most unique, delicious, unfamiliar, and sometimes even scary items. Whether it was yummy caramel apples, or the questionable caramel crickets...
There were street performers, questionable surveys, and even a dream interpretation booth.
Now coming from my title this is pretty much where this little story takes place.

Let me first say that I'm not really into the whole psychic/medium/future reading shabang. I've always thought that it was all very interesting, but I want my future to be my future. Unknown.
So with all that out of the way, when I saw this interesting little white booth with lanterns hanging, I was automatically interested. They should give their marketing or P.A person a raise.

So, I walk up to the booth with my friends Hannah and Matt. I being my absolutely un-shy self, run up to a man with kind eyes standing at the opening of the booth by the sign. I right off the bat asked him how this whole thing worked. He replied very soft spokenly that we all have these things called dreams. (well duh) That they belong to our subconscious. (hmm, okay) That some may very well just exist but that others may actually very well mean something. Especially reoccurring ones. (okay... I'm not paying for this) Then he said a four letter word that I'm sure every single person loves to hear. It's FREE. (why didn't you say so!?)

So I took a few seconds trying to recall not only a dream that I have had more than once, but one that would bring the laughs. I'll never pass up a chance to bring on the laughs. I have a reputation to uphold!
So out of every dream I could have chosen I chose the one I've had probably four or five times. A very odd one it is.
... (dream sequence fade out then in again)
I'm always spending time with a friend. Just a random friend. One who preferably means or has meant a lot to me. We are just chatting, laughing, not anything too interesting. Then out of nowhere, my friend says goodbye and then steals my car... and every time I have this dream, It ends up being a closer friend, and a nicer car. I'm talking like a Porsche or a BMW or something. Rather sad... and odd. (fade back in)

Well, I got the laughs I was looking for from my friends, but not from the dream interpreter man. He simply looked at me, said that I must be a very good friend, but that my friends spend the time that they want with me and then take advantage of me and leave... or in other words steal my car.
I didn't really think too much about it. I laughed and joked... but he was completely serious. 
I simply thanked him, shook his hand, and left.

Now that I think about it... that man, the one with those kind eyes was completely and one hundred percent accurate. He hit the hammer right on the nail. He was right.
It devastates me that his words were so truthful in meaning in my life.
His words are written on my heart now. I've seen them upfront more than once.
So from that whole experience, I learned two valuable things...
One, that I need to pick who I love wisely. That for those who don't value it shouldn't have it...
and two, that I need to lock my car at all times.

I suppose I say the first one with a guarded and maybe even hurt heart, but it is something that I do need to take into account more often.

I suppose people come in and out of our lives for a reason.
Those reasons, sometimes stay unknown.
It's all good though... I have a number of people who would never steal my car.
Or would at least return it later. :)

All I want to do is succeed. To not disappoint. To conquer and to improve and to win.
Isn't that what everyone really wants?
I don't want to fail. I don't want to disappoint anyone. That's my biggest fear... disappointment.
I don't want to never reach the top.
I'm scared.
I want to conquer it all.
I have the faith, and the hope, and the want...
I just need the strength.
Please grant me the strength.
I won't let you down.
Please.

CUESTA 2011

So every year there is a trip that the Jazzes take to San Luis Obispo. Since this was my first year in Jazz, this was my first Jazz trip.

Here's just a taste... :)

Jazz 2011-2012

 The best people I know.

My Matty... Streepin :)

Blair Bear :)

The Farmers Market.

Matt, Me, Hailee, Hannah <3

My best friend Hannie.

Zach and I will never grow up.

:)

The car rides were the best part...

Cal Poly.

Zach <3

Unforgettable.

The most important and ultimately the best part of the whole trip was that I spent it with only the people I truly care about. I'm so blessed to have so many beautiful friends in my life. Ones who appreciate me and love me. Ones that I appreciate and love to the moon and back.

The music was just the magical cherry on top of it all...

That Different Light...

I've come to find in these past few months that no matter what happens, there will always be something to look forward to. I have so much to look forward to.
I have so many plans.
I'm going to start living them.

It's all a process...
I'm growing. I'm learning. I'm healing.

I imagined and hoped for so many new experiences at the start of this school year. Three months later and I don't want to say that I'm disappointed, but more untouched. Passed by.
Then again... it's only been three months.
Then again... I shouldn't be complaining.
Life is good.
Unexpected things are thrown our way and we have to "roll with the punches".

I've found that all us adolescent youngster-teenagers all feel as if these rough patches we go through are the end of the world. When really... it's only the beginning.
We have so much time ahead of us to worry about this stuff.
A year, two years from now... everything will be different. Who you are now will have faded away. Non-existent in this universe.

So why do we act as if this is it? A dyer tragedy every time?
Perhaps our hearts are still new and tender? Perhaps our minds are still growing and gaining knowledge?

I suppose we must try to look at everything in a different light...
I guess if a heartbreak occurs, you are one heartbreak less than you were to your soon to be true love.
If things are said or done... it'll soon be overwith and over.
Tomorrow is a new day. Don't waste it with remorse or regret.

I suppose I may be that kettle calling that pot black, but I'm learning just as you are. My heart is strengthening just as yours is. But mostly, I'm trying to see things in another light just as I hope you are...

You are beautiful. You are worth it. You can do it.
You've got the world ahead of you.
I not only say these words to all of you... but to myself as well.
We all need to hear it sometimes.
Life is good... beautiful, magnificent, divine... idyllic in it's own perfect way despite the shadows that tend to follow behind...
Keep the light in, and those shadows will never hurt you.

Tomorrow is a new day... I hope it's a bright one.

It's been quite awhile since my last post...
To be completely honest, I have had numerous attempts these past weeks to come up with a plausible meaning filled point to make, or something to address, or even something to vent.
All have sorta kinda sucked.
Writer's block perhaps?
I haven't written a song in weeks.
I suppose it's true... All the inspiration I once had moved away... somewhat faded away with distance and miles.

Everything is just different. My friends. School. My heart. Life.

As much as I would like to continue on with a "well whatever... it's all good", I don't really have much more to say...

Maybe I'll try again later.

This place is barren and dry... as are my words.
I can't seem to sum up anything consisting of warmth or happiness or light.
Nothing.

I'm praying for the rain. For a difference. For a change.

"Blessed are they who see beautiful things in humble places

where other people see nothing..."

-Camille Pissarro

I'm Singing, Healthy, and Happy...

Life is good right now...
I'm healthy. I'm singing. I'm happy.
I have a bunch of beautiful new and old people in my life.
I get to sing every single day.
I have people who look up to me.
I have a lot of love and faith right now.

Of course there's the occasional disagreement, annoyance, stress, temper... but hey! I'm only human!
The one thing I always have to say to myself is that whatever it is, won't last forever which means it musn't be that big of a deal.
Let it go.
Move on.
Untouched and strong.
Kill with kindness.

I'm singing every single day in and out of school.
I'm into this whole fitness/healthy lifestyle thing.
I'm  learning every day about people and places.
I'm learning every day about the beauty of life...
Not only learning, but living.

I'm a very lucky girl.
Very lucky indeed.

Like fire and rain...

We are beseeched fire.

We are granted rain.

We fill voids and breaks with certainty.

A certainty that comes from within the depths of the soul.

It's said to never run out...

I sure hope it never does.

Kendall...

So there are few people on this planet who I adore infinitely...
Kendall is one of them.
I didn't know a human being could be so sweet and so supportive
and as fun as she is.
She never fails to make my day. She makes me feel appreciated. She is so lovely.
She will read this... She always does.

Kendall... You are so special. I've known you for such a short time, and I already consider you an irreplaceable part of my life.
Thank you for your kindness. Your jokes. Your smiles. Your love...
I promise you it will always be returned...
I love you beautiful. xoxo

Knock Knock...

So much is changing in so many good ways.
I feel like a different person.

A door will never stop knocking. Your door will never be vacant. There may be times of hardships that pass in between those light knocks, but they won't last forever.
Some opportunity, or some smile, or handshake, or even love will always make it's way up your path to your door.
Things have changed. I used to be afraid of it. I used to rebel against it.
Now I welcome it.
It's all I can do.
It's all I really ever needed.
It's the most rewarding and beautiful feeling when you conquer the things that have weighed you down for so long.
I feel like nothing can ever really get that bad...

I am truly blessed.
I am so thankful.

My door will never be vacant. I won't let it.

...knock knock

To Keith...

Love like a burning amber never to burn out.

Goodness like a sun shedding light.

Giving the world without a doubt.

Ready to take on any fight.

For the ones who possess your love,

Are the luckiest of them all.

Raining down endless care from above.

For they know you'll catch if they should fall.

A composer of words that bleed from the soul.

Such passion and labor that never takes toll.

For I clearly believe...

You are everything a father should be.

Like a ship braving the sea.

I thank you unconditionally for your belief in me.

(For you. In return of your kindness and your lovely words...)

Holly...

This is my best friend Holly.
P.S. she cackles when she laughs.

I've Got a Thing for Elephants...

Aristotle once said the elephant was

"the beast which passeth all others in wit and mind."

Fly Away...

I just feel as if I want to fly away.

Just fly away from everything.

It's all sort of heavy.
A dark drowning.
It suffocates me with this
constant mindset.

A feeling not of happiness,
but of despair.

Are we losing our grip?
I'm trying to hold on tight.
I find that the weight of it all can only be held so long.
Give me anything, and I can do it.
Why is this so different now?
Why must it effect everything?

I feel as if nothing is okay.

Everything is just a blur. Like pictures of fading shades of gray.

Every sound is muted. Every word I say is ignored.

These branches are getting either too cold, too sharp, or too weak to hold me...

I want to fly away. From everything.

The bright side that we're supposed to be looking on seems to be fading.

The greener grass that resides on the other side seems to be parched and dying.

This aching feeling of loss and brokenness seems to be devouring me.

Everything seems so uneven. So subdued.

Why do I feel like this?

Why must this ache so much?

I do not know the answer.

...to any of these questions.

I just want everything to be okay.

I'm waiting not only for the answers, but for the light to come back into my life.

--

I know that I am a very lucky person.

I have a lot of beautiful people in my life, many wonderful opportunities, and a bright future ahead of me.

I believe my positively is running just a tad bit short this evening.

It'll be back soon.

I hope at least.

My One Dream Right Now...

I had a dream.

That I could fly from the highest swing.

I had a dream...

Fly far far away...

The Two Little Plants...

There are these two little plants that have lived on my kitchen counter top for years.
Through rain or shine, they've stayed healthy and strong.
After water and care deprivation they've still survived.
They've grown greener throughout the springtime.
They've lost bits and pieces of themselves during the cold winters.
They've always been there. Blooming.

They've resided on their little white tiled counter top for some time.
They've seen the birds fly past, and they've heard the wind howl and stir the trees.
Listening and watching from their kitchen window.
They've seen the many meals cooked on the stove and the many
movies watched on the couch.
They've seen how we've grown. How we've lived.
They've sat there day after day... and they've grown too.

---

Just recently those two little plants have started to wilt.
They've grown tired. They've grown dry.
No amount of water, sunlight, or even loving care can rescue them.

After all these years... they are dying.

It's like they know.
It's like they feel it too.

It would change everything.
It would make everything right.
Everything would be perfect.

Why can't I just do it?
Why can't I stop wasting time?
Why can't it just go away?

I'm coming to find that nothing's ever that easy.

Maybe it's just the way I'm looking at it.
Maybe I shouldn't look at it as "hard".
Even though it's the hardest thing in the world for me.
I just have to take charge.
I have to stop wasting time.
I need to take control.
This is my life.
I'm going to live it.
I'm going to conquer the demons and the hardships and the weaknesses.
Nothing's going to hold me back.
Everything is going to work out.
I'm asking for strength and discipline.
Please.

What I Fear Most...

I used to be afraid of the loudness of it all.

It used to be the one thing I loathed.

With this story, or in other words this tragedy almost at it's close...

I have come to find that I fear one thing a bit more.

I fear the day when it all goes silent.

I can't wait for the day when things are different.
When they are kind.

That place seems so far away.

P.S.

I realize something now.
Something I should have realized and known long ago.

You don't need a change in people, or a change in scenary, or even a change in love to be happy...

You need a change in yourself.

I believe this may be a little easier said than done... but, I assure you...

It is the one and only antidote.

One of those nights where all I want to do is listen to beautiful music and
float away...

This happiness thing going on?
Yeah... I could get used to it.

I wish everyone beautiful and infinite happiness...

and sweet dreams.

No Thank You...

I try to be the best I can be. I try not to step on toes. I try to be kind and courteous. All I really aim for is to love and be loved in return. For the most part... it's a work in progress, but a work that I really care about that progresses every single day.

I've really come to the point in my life where the drama and the tension from others, or from certain situations that tends to creep up on me every so often... is just not something I want or need in my life.
I'm done trying to fix things that are really nothing but toxic messes. I'm done trying to prove to you or to anyone else that I am a good person. I'm done always hearing that you have a problem with me.
I've come to find and accept that I can't please everyone. Especially you.

I believe in a lot of things. And do you know what?
I believe in myself.
I do not think that's a bad thing. At all.
I just want to have fun! I want to be HAPPY!
I am on the pursuit of infinite and whole happiness. Kind of like those people who travel the world just to find themselves. Or those people who meditate to find inner peace.
...so maybe sitting cross legged for hours on end, with my eyes closed, and moaning isn't really my style.
It still doesn't mean that I can't still aim for that inner bliss.

I will be with whoever makes me happy. Is that such a crime?
If I get something, it's because I wanted it and I worked hard to get it.
Is that not right?
I will not waste my heart on things that are just waiting to hurt me.

No way... I'm happy where I am thank you very much.

The Parakeet and the Gopher Snake...

Once upon a time there was a parakeet, and a gopher snake. Both two very different creatures. Both made up of different ingredients and traits composed by the man who lived above the clouds.

The parakeet was a lively thing. With radiance and colors that shown through like jewels. The parakeet was loving and gentle. It's heart was as big as the sky. It's voice like melted gold all brewed together with perfect tranquility that flooded from the inside to the outside.

The gopher snake was a quiet kind. With strength and wisdom that could crumble walls of steel to the ground. The gopher snake was good and giving to others. It was very humble and very dedicated like a dart aiming only for the bulls eye. It's life was disciplined and morally devout. It lived, and lived for the good.

These two very different creatures met under unusual circumstances, and despite the very differences they both possessed, they obtained a liking, a fancy... a love. Nobody really knows for sure why. Maybe it was the radiant and beautiful colors of the parakeet that took the breath from the lungs or the sight from the eyes of the gopher snake. Or, maybe the strength like a hundred armed soldiers marching to battle with no fear in their eyes that vividly entranced that radiant parakeet.

Does one ever really know?
The only thing that truly knows is the heart. The heart of those who fall victim to the attraction itself. ...the heart knows all. It rarely speaks the honest truth.

The parakeet and the gopher snake were together for a very long time... until the storm hit.
When the storm reached their home, it came and took every single thing they possessed for each other.
It took the parakeet's lovingness.
It took the gopher snake's goodness.
It took their want.
It took their love.

After the storm, the pieces left behind were just too intricate and minuscule to just pick up and piece back together.
So the gopher snake would remain silent and cold,
and the parakeet would cry...

The days were scorching. They would burn everything in their paths.
The fire was getting closer, and the small pieces left behind by the storm were still on the ground.
The parakeet would try to pick them up, but the weight in those little pieces were too heavy to carry.
The parakeet lacked the strength.
The gopher snake who possessed that very strength would consider, but then it's eyes would look up at the cloudless sky of gray and remind itself of the goodness lost.
The gopher snake lacked the dedication.
So the gopher snake would remain quiet and cold,
and the parakeet would cry...

The days grew longer, and the burning grew nearer.
They both knew it.
So the parakeet gave up on the pieces and they remained lonely on the ground.
...and the gopher snake remained quiet and cold

One silent and darkened day, the gopher snake and the parakeet were in separate places of the mind and of the heart.
They smelled the burning. They saw the burning. They witnessed the burning.
They watched their goodness and their lovingness shattered on the floor. The same goodness and lovingness that had remained there for centuries it seemed. The same goodness and lovingness they both lost. The same goodness and lovingness that the parakeet didn't have the strenght to pick up, nor did the gopher snake have the dedication to keep in it's hands tenderly.

They both watched themselves burn.
They burned and they burned.

The parakeet's radiance and color turned to gray.
The gopher snake's wisdom and strength turned to liquid.

So the gopher snake remained cold and silent,
and the parakeet cried.
and they both dissapeared like dust.

Silence and stillness surrounded the world that once moved so fluidly, so vibrantly...

The man who lived above the clouds looked down upon the existence of his creation, and he was sad. He cried for 40 days and 40 nights. The tears rained down upon the stillness, the silence, and the scorching. It rained and it rained and it drowned the burning.

After the skies were clear and the world was dry, the man who lived above the clouds woke up from his sleep and started to compose. He decided to create a parakeet, and a gopher snake.
He composed his creations as if he were composing a symphony...
Wisdom like a cello, tranquility like a harp...

As he composed... He remembered the days of silence. He remembered the days of stillness. He remembered the days of burning, and he remembered the days of raining...
He remembered this, and as we was adding the ingredients for his creations, he added an extra amount, an infinite amount of goodness and lovingness...

...and once upon a time, there lived two very different creatures. A parakeet and a gopher snake.

Junior Year Here We Go...

So it's been almost a week since we have been back at school.
A week that has been pretty swell so far if I do say so myself.

We all have expectations before we go back to school...
Who am I going to meet?
Will I get good grades?
Will I get any good parts or solos?
Will I fall in love?
Will I fit in?

These are the constant question we (I) ask myself when starting a brand spanking new school year...

I usually have expectations, and I dream up the many options or scenarios that could possibly go down.
If there is one thing I've learned in my twelve years in this BIZ (not including pre-school), it's that a lot of these expectations I dream up are just too good to be true sometimes.
They will probably go very differently if not the opposite of what I expect or hope.
What does that lead to? Yes, that's right... the D word.

Expectations often lead to disappointments.

Not always, but with the stuff that goes on in my brain, and the many things I can dream up, yes... the D word comes into play every so often.

So what did I do this time?
I went to school with absolutely, positively, ZERO expectations.
I just walked in with my eyes open, my mind clear, and my nails painted three different colors.
...and you know what!?
So far... it's been a sensational week!

I love Jazz. I love Concert Choir. I love Woman's Choir.
I love Theatre 3. I love going off campus with my friends for lunch.
I love being an upperclassmen. I love being looked up to.
I love meeting new people and trying new things.
I love being the class clown. (it's so true)
I love that things are the way they are.
I am content, satisfied, and grateful for the way they are because, I wasn't expecting more or less or any different. I wasn't expecting anything at all!

So... so far, life at school has been great.
I usually find myself at the end of the day not wanting to leave...
That's gotta say something.

I just really hope that the best is yet to come.

Look... there I go with them expectations and hopes again.
I suppose I just never learn.
Oh well!
Junior Year Here We Go...!

Tick Tock...

I don't really understand it.
Not at all.

I shouldn't have to and yet it's all I hear, it's all I see, and it's really all I know right now.
I wish it wasn't.
I really do.

They say things happen and change and heal with time.
I'm here. I'm waiting. Time is passing.
Still going through the same motions day after day.
Please time... please.
This needs change. This needs healing.
Still waiting.

When sadness or pain fades away, does it ever just leave? Must it always be replaced? Must it never end? Even if this replacement is not something I personally go through myself, but something I see with my own two eyes right in front of me.
Like a head on car crash.
Like broken glass shattered on the floor.
Like destruction at it's "finest".

Well, destruction's "finest hour" is said to only lasts sixty minutes...
and yet... time is still ticking.
This sixty minutes is far past due.

Tick Tock.

P.S.

Still waiting.

Be Seeing You...

I believe that these three things are what it's really all about...

1. Acceptance

2. Friendship

3. Love

You would think that I'd be really very sad that a lot of these wonderful friends of mine are moving away, going to college, and leaving... but I'm not. I'm not at all.
I'm excited for them. Sure, I'm sad that I won't receive long Steven hugs everyday. I won't get to be crude and clever with Ray, or hold onto Julie, or make Cristian laugh... and laugh again.
I am very sad, but only because I love them all so very much.
I hope they know how much they mean to me.
I'm not saying goodbye... more like a "be seeing you".

So with that said and done...
I love you all. Be safe, have fun, and last but certainly not least...
be seeing you. :)

Filled to the Top...

Do you ever think ahead to the future?
Five years from now, ten years from now?

I do. All the time.

Where will I be? Who will I be? Who will I be with? What will I be doing?
The future is an unknown and uncharted place.

Wherever I am... I really hope I'm happy.
I hope this place... so unknown now, is a place I'll never want to leave.
I hope it's filled with love and joy.
I hope it's filled with music.
I hope it's filled with happiness.

Filled... to the top.

So...

I thought I'd share with you something that changed my life...

Three years ago my mom and I found this video on youtube.

It changed my life.

This is the exact reason why music is who I was, who I am, and who I will be.

I have not gone a month without watching this video in three years.

Every month. Every time. I cry.

This is why music is every inch of me.

This is why I breathe.

This is why I live.

This is why.

We Just Know...

Ever had words written for you that make you do nothing but cry?
Especially from someone who once meant the world to you.
Especially someone you feared you might have lost forever.

We all do things. We all go places. We all meet new people. We all grow apart. We all live our own lives with our own deals and with our own cares. We all go through different things.

However...

In the end, we know who and what makes us happy. We know where we want to be. We know that despite disagreements and pointless nonsense that tends to get in the way of not only friendships or relationships, but life itself, we know that it can only matter to us for so long. 

We may not know these things for a long time.

But eventually...

we grow up,

we look at things differently,

and we just know.

Thank you for your words...

You'll never know how much they meant to me.

Aim for happiness. It's what makes life all the worthwhile.

Because... the rough patches don't last forever.

I promise.

Life is beautiful.

It's only just begun.



Somethings Gotta Give...

It's an awful shame when someone you know becomes someone you once knew...
Especially someone who for a long time meant so much to you.
If they meant so much, then why is it the way it is now?
Pride. Rumors. Hurt Feelings. Disagreements.
Changes of Heart. More Pride. 

Just to name a few.

Is it always only going to be me who cares? Do I just care too much?
Am I always going to be the one who has to make the effort? The only effort.
Am I that easily forgettable or replaceable?
I don't like to think so, but somethings gotta give.


I'll always be the one to make everything okay. I'll always be the one who makes everything actually exist.
I'm okay with that. I'm the kind of person who can put her pride down and apologize for her faults, even if I don't receive an apology in return.
I will put my pride down. I will be the bigger person.

I do realize that maybe I should look at these situations differently. Maybe the reason I am the only one who cares enough to fix it is because I am the only one who cares at all...
I realize that this may very well be true.
I just pray it isn't. I really do.
It would kill me if it were.

I may care too much... but do you know what? I rather be the one who cares to much, than the one who doesn't care at all.

I'll always care. 

I'm proud of that.

One Day...

One day he'll know how much he inspired me.

One day he'll see all he meant to me.

One day he'll know.

One day he'll see.

One day.

Cast me gently into morning

For the night has been unkind...

Please.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night.

Take these broken wings and learn to fly...

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder;

Thus in one's eyes they see the beast, not the beauty.

In the beholder’s eyes, they see the beauty in the beast.

"Beauty in things exists merely in the mind which contemplates them."

Very Crazy...

So my brother is moving in 4 days for Washington D.C.
He's going for graduate school to the Catholic University of America, which means he's going to live there for three or more years. How crazy is that?
To me... Very crazy.
I'm seeing so many people around me starting their lives.
Moving, working, leaving... Growing up.

I wonder what it will be like when my life finally starts...
One things for sure.
I can't wait.

You and I...

I have found that you and I are now and forever one thing... Parallel lines.
Going in the same direction.
With the same mindset.
With the same want.
With the same need.
So similar. So meant. So perfect.
It may seem.
...but tragically, parallel lines don't and will never do one thing.
They will never meet.
That is just how it is.
There they stay. Side by side. Never ending... and never touching.

Maybe One More...

Insomnia Of The Heart

I'm not sleeping these days.

My mind is under this darkened haze.

Where part of me is fine,

but the rest is cold and trapped inside.

We all fall for the trances.

We all dream of the chances.

Our hearts filled to the brim with light.

Visions dancing in the night.

Until interrupted by reality.

With our tender hearts left to suffer this fatality.

We hope for the hopeless.

Yet live in this brokenness.

The feelings of rapture.

Are impossible to recapture.

Once so pure, so in tune.

Left with no cure, never immune.

Will time heal this famine of light?

For now all I crave is to sleep tonight.



Poetry...?

So I am in no way a poet nor do I usually right poetry... but, I realized that a lot of the unfinished songs that I have that have no melodies are more read like poems.
Isn't that really what music is? Words in a certain format otherwise known as poetry, set to a beat and a melody?
I'm not quite sure.

Anyway... I thought I'd share some of my unfinished songs poems...
I hope you enjoy them.

Shadow Friends

With little light above my head,

I can still make out the shadows that reside on the wall.

They ask me how I am.

I fail to respond.

These shadows are patient.

Aware, even though the light is no longer present.

When the night is long, nothing is clear.

My shadows end up making good company.

At least until dawn.

Until Then

Little did I know how this would be.

I must have been blind, because at last... I can see.

Things I didn't notice, things I couldn't feel.

Endless days spent wishing... wishing it was real.

Time turns and rain falls.

Life blinks and birds call.

The night lasts so long.

What is right? What is wrong?

Can we light a match on the pictures in our heads?

What's past is past. Sewn and stitched with threads.

Until night turns to day.

Until hearts aren't used for play.

Until hope is recovered.

Until faith is discovered.

Until we once again hear sound.

Until love is finally found.

Until then...

Old Times Sake...

nos·tal·gia/näˈstaljə/Noun

1. A sentimental longing for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.

or

reminiscingpresent participle of rem·i·nisceVerb:

1. Indulge in enjoyable recollection of past events

... I'm thinking a little bit of both.

So here's for old times sake...











Some good times :]

It's All I Need...

I've noticed that I tend to write and rant on an awful lot... I definitely have my opinions and my own way of putting things...

So much seriousness in the past few months...
When really, If you knew me... you'd know I'm anything but serious.

I'm always smiling... I'm a dreamer.

I believe in fairy tales and signs and miracles.

I believe that the pennies we find on floors are in fact lucky.

I believe that a good cry and good old time can cure a good amount of heartache.

I believe in the fortunes that come from fortune cookies.
I believe in wishing stars and candle wishing.

I'm very talkative. I always have something to add or some joke to crack.
I love to laugh, I love to make people laugh...
I love to hug and cuddle.
I love to write... Music, Poetry, Blogging...
I love romance novels. I love romantic movies. I love DISNEY movies.
I love to sing and I love to act, and I feel a lot better about myself when my nails are painted... (not sure why)
I tend to belt out any song, at any time, in any place... I prefer parking garages for the acoustics or elevators for the small amount of space between myself and strangers. They don't ever know what's coming.
I love musicals... so much...
I love pajamas and slippers like no other.
I love winter and I love rain... I sorta kind of loathe Summer.
I have a big heart.
I love to love.
I love my friends... I try to be a good friend.

I know I have my flaws... I work hard at them everyday.
Not everything in my life is perfect. Nor am I.
But... I love life. I'm grateful and blessed and happy.
I've got my dreams, my faith, my love, my hope...
It's all I need.

Forever Unfinished...

This is life. People come and they go.

The ones worth keeping are the ones who wish to stay in the first place.

The ones who make the effort.

When you care about someone, shouldn't you fight to keep them?

Yes.

Unless...

They won't fight to keep you.

As simple as that.

It's a double sided world.

There are two sides to every story.

Even if the story is destined for tragedy.

And even for those happily ever afters.

You'll know.

If they care they will. If they don't they won't.

They leave... and even though we hurt, we must let them go.

We must move on.

We must make a new.

We must love again.

Unfinished business...

Forever unfinished.

Our Something(s)...

It's been a while...

What can I say? Summertime, and the living is easy...

This Summer so far has brought so much... So many emotions. So many feelings. So many opinions... So much of something. A something I can't even identify let alone understand...
It's a mixture of feelings and moods. Over thinking is usually what does it. I get lost in my head sometimes. Don't we all? We think, and we think, and we think some more, until every inch of our well being is put through a blender and liquefied until we just cannot bear to think any longer.
I just feel as if lately I want something terribly that is just barely out of reach. Just barely.
Not only something, quite a few things. And yet this something is the very thing I cannot even make out. I suppose I must just search a little harder. I believe the only thing holding me back from finally reaching and grasping this something in life is the only person who can be at times the best and at other times the worst... myself.

I feel a little lost, but I'm sure I'll find myself again soon. I don't have any doubts. Not all who wander are lost. We are all just searching for our something(s) I suppose...

I'm not really myself lately. No wonder I'm just absurdly ranting on.
I suppose writing about absolutely nothing is better than not writing at all...

Empty Spaces...

I suppose we all fear that we will never get through those confusing and painful times. The times that exist every so often in life. But, when you think about it... we always do. We always get through it. Why is this? I suppose in a way the saying is true... "Nothing lasts forever."
Is that saying negative? I believe it to be a double sided notion.
We grow from those times. We find things and feelings and understandings we at one time never knew existed.
...I was fearing so many things. Most of all letting go. I wasn't sure if I could let go of the things that at a time in my life made me the happiest. I was afraid I was losing myself along with these things that I simply chose not to hold onto anymore. It's scary actually seeing change and having to swim along with it. It's even scarier seeing things that you once had so close to your heart fade away... They once existed so vividly. Now all that remains is nothing but empty spaces. These spaces are just reminders that simply gather dust and sit in empty corners until time wears on their existence in ones mind. Until they are worn thin.
When I say things... I mean people. I mean feelings. I mean the way things once were.

It's a very healing feeling when you realize that no matter what you do, no matter how much you do, no matter how much you give... some people will never change. The only person who can change them is themselves. That's fair enough. It's also fair accepting that, letting go of the pain caused, and moving on.

I've learned a lot in this past month. I've learned that I may very well of been trying to make myself a certain way to make it seem like I was a perfect choice for friendship or anything else for that matter. Don't we all do that when we crave acceptance or friendship? I wasn't acting like somebody I wasn't, more of just making sure that all of the traits I possessed were in the right places for the right people... if that makes any sense at all.
I used to think that I didn't want to lose anyone or anything that I care about. I fear that everyday.
But things that hurt me, I don't fear anymore.
Some of those things may have played a huge part in my life. They created times that will always stick with me... and amidst all of these realizations, I have come to finally open my eyes and see that times have long since changed, and frankly... so have I.

My Safe Haven...

I did something I've never done this week...

I wrote and finished a song on guitar...
Mind you, I don't play guitar... I claim I can. I try. It usually ends up sounding like a car crash involving three cars, a plane, a motor boat, a chainsaw, and a chipmunk. So in other words, the guitar isn't my strongest suit nor my forte. What can I say? haha
It all started with my mom. She was my inspiration. Then I dug deep into how I was feeling inside. I took my mom and her inspiration, combined that with the feelings in my own self and made something that changed me. Thank you mommy.

This song is the best song I've ever written. I'm very proud of it. I had time this week to sit and write. That's all I did. I have this corner in my room where I lay down and spread paper, sheet music, my guitar, and my laptop all around me, and I just simmer with my thoughts, my feelings, and my pen alone. This corner is my safe haven. It's where I cry and smile and sing and just basically reside. There is no hiding nor faking anything here.
It's glorious.

Things like this are the reasons to be happy. I think I lost myself for a little while back there. This past month I've felt as if I was losing so many things, including myself. I felt as if everything was changing and crashing down. I realize now that things will never be the same. They will never stay in one place. The world is changing all around us. It's up to us to walk along with it and accept the changes. Accept them graciously.
I am so lucky and blessed no matter what. Rough patches lie behind me, but I know they lie ahead of me as well. Every time, they'll get easier. I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm stronger. I have the courage now to take them on.

Life is good, and it's only just begun...=)

Wildfires of the Mind...

Is growing up having to deal with goodbyes and loss? Is it dealing with letting go and moving on?
My mind is always at war with itself. A bloody war.
One cavalry is saying this I am right. That it will all work out. That I do and did the right thing.
The other side is teasing, belittling, and blaming me. Telling me that what I'm hoping for and doing is a waste. That I'm the one whose at fault.
They are constantly bickering back and forth, to and fro with each other.
Which one is right? Which one is wrong?
Is it possible to tame the wildfires in one's brain? One wouldn't want them to spark out of control...

Our brains have minds of their own. If that makes sense...
There are two parts to the brain: The id and the ego.
The id wants to do everything and anything. It doesn't care. It wants to be free to do whatever comes to mind. No second guesses. No worries.
The ego is what stops it. The ego is what over analyzes it. The ego is what shoots it down.
Id over ego.
Ego over id.
An endless war.

I plan to...

An Escape...

Are distractions or escapes good?
Do they really benefit you?
When one doesn't want to start feeling a certain way, should they distract themselves or find a way to escape their exhausted and pain filled feelings? Should they break free from their mind? From their logic?

Lately what I do is when I start to feel sad or lonely, I'll simply do things that distract my mind. I'll go write songs or watch a movie. I'll go hang out with my brothers or my friends. I'll go have fun and I'll do things that take my mind off of the complications of my heart and mind.
Feelings like these fade. They really do... but even though they are dim, they are still apparent inside. We feel them every so often. They aren't as corrupt as they used to be, but we are human. We all have our moments.

I do all of this because I don't want to wallow. I'm not a wallower... and furthermore, I have no reason to be.
There are so many beautiful reasons to be happy. I notice them everyday. They truly are beautiful. That's why I'll do anything to stay happy.
To stay me.

So is escaping the thing to do? Or is that just running away from yourself? Should you face what is in you first hand until the feelings that strike are worn dry? Should you let them grow dim on their own?
I'm torn with this one.
Escaping is the easier way out I suppose...
I don't usually do things the easy way.

As Deep Down As Mine...

My writers block is back...
Like a wall of steel concealing the words laced with feeling and the real meanings of the mind. Of my mind.
I have so much to say right now.
Every word or thought evaporates before I get the chance to drown a page with what I need to acknowledge.

So much has changed. So many things are different. I am okay with change. The differences on the other hand, will take some time to get used to.
I cannot lie and say that I don't miss it. I also cannot lie and say that I don't wish it was different.
But... that is life. That is exactly what life is. Life is simply full of things that are too intricate to understand their intent. Their meaning. I try to understand and accept everything for what it is and how it is. I really do.
I still care. I'll always care. I still wish deep down inside that the care is returned. Even if it's as deep down as mine.
I suppose I may never know.

I believe in so much. I believe in love. I believe in dreams. I believe in this. I also believe that things are as they are for a reason. Unknown now. Soon to be recognized and acknowledged and understood.
I'll understand. In time.

A Skip and a Jump

Today was the first day of the rest of my life.
I don't even know why? There was just something about today.
Must have been the way the sky looked, or the way my mind was a wander...
The seasons change just as moods and feelings change.
Feelings change easier and quicker than a spark of nothingness.
A piece of mindless minutia that once meant something.
At one time meant everything.

I suppose I was kept up inside because I was holding on to something that I didn't even have let alone maybe even want for myself anymore. If that twisted explanation even makes sense. It does to me.
It was a skip and a jump. A tumble and a fall. It was life doing its thing.

I couldn't understand where I was. I didn't even have an inkling. I couldn't even understand who I was.
To them. To myself. To anyone.
I finally understand now. It's like the fog was lifted and the light seeped it's way back into my sense of mind.
... I will not know who I am for a very long time. Sure I've found certain bits and pieces throughout so far, but there is still an infinite amount left for me to find and piece together.
Life is a puzzle. We find the pieces along the way.
The day when there are no more pieces left to fit in, is the day you have lived your life to its fullest potential. It's the day you can finally just sit back and admire the beauty and the fullness of this world. Of your world.

Our futures aren't set in stone, but carved by our own hands along the way.
My future is my future. It is what I make it. I have enough dreams and ambition and love and happiness to keep myself busy with that puzzle of mine for a long time...
Until my pieces are out of stock. Until my picture is complete.
So with all that said... Here's to the future everyone. I'm so ready for it.